The Hoildays are coming and all I can think about is how my mom is not here to see this. My mom is gone forever and everyday is so hard cuz I just can't look at one thing without thinking of her. My car, when I use to driver places when she was not feeling well, my room and my bed, when she would sit there and talk to me about life and trobles, my kitchen where she would sit and drink her tea. The park where she loved to have picnics with us. The schools, where she would drop us all off at times. Certian Resturants, how she loved food and loved ordering the most expensive meals, just cuz. Jack in the Box how she loved making mid-night runs for tacos. The 99cent store, where she would love to shop to shop. Certian gas station where she would get her gas. And When ever I drive, how she taught me how too! I mean how am I to move on when everything around me reminds me of her. I love her so much it hurts to think about it! She may have been my step-mother but she was my Mom. I always told her I will never call another person Mom, she was my Mom. Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball and just die. But then her daughter comes in my room and makes me smile, Brianna my little sister, its like my mom coming in and comforting me like she use to. I pray to God that she is Happy in the eternal life of everlasting. She was one of the best people I knew in my life. She had her faults and issues and addictions but it was a broken heart that took her away, she was not strong enough to handle life at its wits end. She said her goodbye in her last week of us not knowing it. But I think she knew, all she ever wanted was for all of us to be together again. But life didn't make that happen for her. She always told me that her soul was tired and she was coming to an end, I always thought she was talking crazy. lol I mean who wouldn't ya know? But she proved to me it was so the truth. I wish I can turn the clocks back in time just to hear her voice one last time and get one last hug and one last kiss. To hear her laugh one last time and to be able say I love you one more time. It all feels like a dream that is never going to end. I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming this. Life has crazy truns, and this was a crazy one for me. And its still going on now. My Mom is gone from this world but she is still with me everywhere I go and I know I will never forget her!

Tags: Mom Life Death

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my mom died, pray for me and my family!

Tags: Death Mom

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Today I saw my real mother. Lisa is her name, thats what I call her. Many people think this is so disrespectful. But before you agree to that let me explian why I call her that.   Yes, she gave me life, and yes she is my mother, but she has not been a mother for me since i was 6yrs old. She left us when i was 7yrs old. She left us for drugs and to party. Yes she has a problem. But she knows it. She admitted to it. She once told me that she does not want to be a mom anymore and that she has a new life. How is a child to understand this? When I was really small I remember saying all the time to my father and to her that I promise to be a better child and that I will be nicer to my brothers and that I will try to help. I use to cry everynight and pry that she would miss us and want to come back. She did...She would come by and talk to us and buys us stuff and all that. We would think that it was all over. She said she would call and come over the next day, but never did. I remember once I had sat by the phone and waited. I waited from about 6pm to almost midnight, I remember this cuz a week later it was my birthday and she called me at 2am. My father told her that She can never speak to me till I was older where I can make up mu own mind. I was so hurt that she never called. I cried so hard that my dad had to sleep with me. I was so hurt. When ever i see her now and days all these bad things come in my head. I think its better for me to just blog and try to feel better. This is something I can never forget and I dont want to, because I believe it had help me become the person I am today.

My littlest Brother does not remember anything of her, and really has no feelings for her. He was 4yrs old when she left. He says he doesn't remember her as a good mother or really nothing of her. He knows who she is, but says he knows who she is but really could care less about it. He says there is nothing to forgive when he does not the person that she was and the person she is now.

My other little brother is a year younger than me is the only one that talks to her and that has a realtionship with her. He forgave her and is now close. Thats where I saw her today. I had to drop off my neice home and she was there. She kissed me and said I love you. I had said nothing and just wanted to tell her to love off. I can't just be cool with her. There is so much more than I had said here. I went through years of counsling for this. She made me feel like I was worth nothing. I am so greatful to have a father like my dad. He always made sure that we were ok. Even though we fight alot, I love him and I am so happy he is my dad. My mother Lisa is a person I never want to be like and I never want to treat my kids the way she treated me and my brothers. She is still amazed how close my brothers and I are still so close. And I told her that my brothers, my dad and I are family and family are close. I may have hurt her feelings but I told the truth, plus I don't need to sweet coat the harsh truth. She is a bad mother, but I know that she did the right thing to leave me be. Cuz with her in my life, I would prolly not be alive. another story I will one day blog. LOL  she is a person that i hope i will never become!

Tags: Mother Her

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OK...So today I decided to log on to facebook and I do my normal thing check for updates add people that I havent seen in a bit. Then I notice that I have an email (I dont really recieve e-mail there) and its my best friend's ex boyfriend who is also my ex boyfriend's cousin (Iknow!) and he is telling me to call him to chat. Now I was really good friends with him after everyone broke up, but that was hard since my best friend didnt like it and everything i told him went stright to his cousin to always called me a day or two after. So now that it has been some months since we last spoke to eachother. What should I do? If i call him then my ex might get my number and bother me, or if i do call and he says let have coffee or jack in the box (it was our thing) then he might bring his cousin (my ex). Also my friend will be really mad if i do call i know it will hurt her feeling to "back stab." If I dont then I feel bad cuz in all of it we were friends. and Good ones too. We understood that there would never be any kind of anything beside friendship. I would love for advice. Help me! What should I do?

Tags: Help What Should I Do

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well we had a earthquake...and you know wat? i didnt even feel it. i mean i guess i did but i didnt know it was a earthquake. i heard a sound then alot of wind then my flowers thats on my tv in my bedroom started to shake but i didnt think anything of it. then i heard the noise again and my bed started to shake but nothing to much i just thought it was something going on in my building. then when my dad called me to check on me and my baby sister i told him "THAT WAS A EARTHQUAKE!" he just started to laugh at me. but we are fine. i hope anyone that felt it or was n e where near it is ok and not hurt.

Tags: Earthquake

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can someone send me the linls to the chat lines?

Tags: Chat

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so today is my birthsay, i have a carpy job no boyfriend not even a potential boyfriend. no school degree besides and high school diploma. i have few friends, that i call friends, in my life. i dont have anything really have anything to look foward in life besides my sister grwoing up! but in all i couldnt be more excited to be moving on in life. i know what i want more and more everyday. i pry that one day all my dreams come true. and i do hope that who ever really care stays with me for the ride. so here is to another year full of hopes and dreams! to me!

Tags: 23rd Brithday

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ok so all of you know im new...can you help me plz! i dont know how to load a layout to my page... n e one can explina wat website to go to and then put it up on my page i would be most greatful. thanks! 

Tags: Layout

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So I have been having problems with life since i was about six years old. Thats when my dad and my Mother started to fight pyscially...I had 2 brothers to watch over while everything went down. I was more afraid then they were but I knew I had to protect them. Everyday there was soething broken and soe how one of my brothers would get hurt by glass or nails or something falling over something in the resault of the fights. I had to make sure that they were safe but no matter how hard I tried to make things better for them it always got worse for them. I didnt understand so how was I going to make them understand what was going on? Things even got more worse than that for us. We lost everything, our House our parents everything. We all moved in my Grandmothers House, then they kicked my Dad out. I knew  then that life i was bad. They wouldnt let us see him or talk to him. I remember one night one of my brother fell sick, and they decided to throw a party. By they i mean my Mother Grandmother and all my aunts. I was soo mad. My brother was locked in a room scared and sick. I remeber trying to tell my Mother to give him medicen and all she told me is to stop and leave him alone. I was crying. I didnt know what to do. I was sitting in the front yard crying. I saw my dad in his truck. i ran to him and told him everything. he was so mad that he told me to get my 2 brothers and he was going to take us home. I did and we went to our old house. I really thought that we were home. then all of sudden there was cops everywhere. i ran in my room and locked them out. i was crying. i dont remember what happened between comming home and the cops and them taking me there. i really cant. i remember saying when i saw the cops what happened whats going on? and then when i was in the car i was saying to my brothers what happened? why r they here? y r we in the car? and they were crying. i didnt know wat to do or say. after a month staying with my grandmother and mother i was about 7 now. my father intered rehab. what made it worse is that my mother would never let me talk to him. i remember i was bugging her to let me call him so i can say i love you to him. she told me ok but if they dont pick up after 3 rings then u have to hang up, i let it ring 4 times and they didnt pick up. i was so mad and sad. one day i came home from school and everyone was gone. my grandmother and my aunts moved out and didnt tell us. i was confused. i didnt understand. later that night my dad came and got us and we lived in motels for a week. then one morning my dad told me that i had to say goodbye to my mother and i will see her soon again...i thought it was a game. then i saw my brothers crying...they knew it before i did. she hugged me and walked away from us. she just turned around and walked away. it was like a movie where u just stand there and watch her getting farther and farther away and not turn around to look at u. i was sad. my parents were never going to be together again. My dad explianed to us that it was not our fault and that we were going to be split up and live with his family. and that soon he will be abel to get us and live with him. first we took my baby brother to my aunts house and i remember him running after us when we left. i was so mad at both my parents for doing this to us. then my other brother went to my uncles house and i was going about ten blocks from him to my god parents who also was my aunt and uncles and had kids of their own. i got see my brother that lived ten blocks away at school everyday and that was a blessing. i need him to be close. he was my best friend at the time. we are one year apart. we got see all of eachother every weekend with my dad. we all had a hard time dealing with this. i was getting trated really bad with my godparents so i moved closer to my dad in san pedro and lived with my uncle from my dad side who was married to my aunt to my mother's side. there i was clsoe to my cousin. she took me everywhere. but yet i was still having troble at school and was sad. finally my dad got out of rehab and got a one bedroom apartment. there we all had to adjust to living in a small place and alone alot. my dad worked and we had to be alone. i must say we had some fun times being alone. we had to face that we didnt have a mom. she would come one day and promise to come the next day and she wouldnt. one time she told me she was going to call me at 6pm and i waited for hours for her call and she never did. when ever i asked my dad y doesnt my mom want us anymore or love us anymore, and he would say she is a different person now and sometimes people dont know what have until something happens to make them realize it. i had a hard time to deal with it. my dad finally got a gf name michelle. my brothers and i fell in love. she had a baby of her own. my dad was crazy about her. they got married and had a baby. my pride n joy. TO BE CONTUNE......

Tags: Marissa Life Story

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